Kick some ass. Get the girl. And try to look dope while doing it. Those are the words Samuel L. Jackson as Augustus Gibbons says to Xander Cage as played by the less than loquacious Vin Diesel. And it sums up the movie pretty succinctly.
But that doesn’t really tell you anything about all the horrifyingly bad dialogue, the complete lack of belief in real physics, or the out-dated and over-used fantasy that a group of model-hot women will simply sexually service a guy like Xander Cage as some kind of payment or exchange for information. And Vin Diesel’s line after this happens is – and I’m dead serious – “The things I do for my country.” Ugh.
After a fun, kinetic, but poorly shot and edited opening action sequence, I was subjected to more lines of that sort for far too many minutes. Soon I was wishing I had brought a bucket into the theater to vomit in.
Whether you remember the first xXx film or not isn’t terribly relevant. I barely remember it myself, except the fact that it was also mediocre at best. Nonetheless, Xander Cage (Vin Diesel – is either name real?) returns after disappearing, being thought dead. Of course, he’s dragged back into being the plays-by-his-own-rules agent for some weird shadowy government agency that is totally secret. And of course the mission is nigh impossible and filled with danger!
If you think the Fast and Furious movies are ridiculous, then you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet. The action in xXx: The Return of Xander Cage is off-the-charts absurd. If you were a physics professor, or really just a person with a mild interest in the laws of physics, or really just a person that lives in the real world and sees basic physics in action every day, you would scream at the screen and then stomp out of the theater in disgust.
Gravity and the laws of centrifugal force are clearly at our beck and call. Ok, whatever, that’s not terribly new in cheesy action films. But there’s lots of stuff like that here. There’s some impossible science fiction spy toys – like James Bond films in the 80’s and 90’s when they were at their worst and most ridiculous. Wait – metal gloves that somehow make your punches move faster and increase their force? HOW? Never mind, you’re not going to tell us anyway.
And then much of the fight scenes are shot so quickly, and edited so choppily, that you can often barely see what’s happening, which is a monumental waste because this film also stars Donnie Yen, and Tony Jaa. Dude, Donnie Yen is a badass fighter. He has some great scenes, but much of it is a blur. There is a crazy scene – in a military government cargo plane, of course – where Vin Diesel is fighting a guy wearing those metal gloves in the front of the plane, and Donnie Yen is fighting some guys in the cargo part of the plane, and you quickly lose track of which fight is which.
Then, of course, the pilot gets shot and slumps over the wheel and the plane goes into a dive – and they lose gravity in the plane. Now it’s a fight in zero G’s! Even THAT is shot for people with ADD.
We can thank director D.J. Caruso for this one. He directed celluloid marvels like Taking Lives, I Am Number Four, Disturbia, Eagle Eye, and The Disappointments Room, and the only film of his I actually like, The Salton Sea (his first feature). It is also announced that he will direct the next G.I. Joe movie. Soooo, yeah…
If you were thinking, “Hey, maybe all this cheesy action nonsense is tongue-in-cheek, or it’s totally self-aware.” Nope. Not the way it came across. Is there some humor? Sure. There are a few chuckles in there. Not sure if all of them are on purpose. However, there is one moment I totally LOL’d. It’s the appearance of an actor/musician that completely took me by surprise, and if you saw the first sequel to xXx you’ll know who it is. For some reason I just found it hilarious.
Everything about xXx: The Return of Xander Cage is bonkers. From a weirdly mis-cast Toni Collette as the government head-honcho giving Cage orders (trying to), to the baffling choice by Cage to include a DJ on his elite action spy team. January continues to live up to it’s reputation as a junk movie month.
If you would watch Vin Diesel clip his toenails because you love him so much, I guess this movie is right up your alley. I couldn’t even find enough joy in the second half of this where the absurd action takes over. Every second between action scenes is filled with unbearable dialogue. There was so much eye-rolling in the audience, the Earth shifted on its’ axis. And don’t think this is the last of these debacles. Oh yes, they aren’t subtle about letting us know they aren’t done with us yet. A generous one and a half kittenhands.
~ Neil T Weakley, your average movie-goer, haven’t been this angry about a movie in a while. Who am I, Chris Mancini?