Or as I like to call it, TOTALLY 80’S X-MEN!
People like to hate on this movie, just like they hate on any superhero franchise, and frankly Bryan Singer gives them some fodder. But if you like to see things blow up, like I do, then this is the film for you! Also, if you like to laugh in parts where you’re not supposed to, double-win! And, hey, do you like broad, superficial, jammed-in emotional beats? Whee! It’s a three-fer! And, obvi, you love the 1980’s, because you’re a living, breathing person. There’s a lot about this to X to love.
This is a simple story of a power-hungry super-mutant waking up after 5,000 years to “eff some ess up” in the early-80’s. Many less powerful mutants have to band together to stop this one big fat-powered dude named “Something Egyptian” (Oscar Isaac). It’s like how the Republicans tried to stop Trump.
On the X-Men side, we get lots of origin stories. We find out why Cyclops (Tye Sheridan) is so into Jean Gray (Sansa Stark), why Wolverine (Hugh Jackman, somehow not recast younger) is so into Jean Gray, and why Magneto (Fassbender!) is so angry/deep-down-sad. But the greatest gift we receive in this film is QUICKSILVER!
Holy spit! Quicksilver (Evan Peters) is THE COOLEST. He comes on the scene as a loser living in his mom’s basement, but that basement has a stand-up arcade Ms. Pac-Man – IN the 80’s. It’s one thing to have one now, but it’s CRAZY to have one in 1983 because Ms. Pac only came out in 1982. This was possibly the least believable fact in the movie. What, did his mom own a mall? Anywhoot, he’s a kid without direction lookin’ for his pop and thinks Xavier can help him, so he speeds to the school at the exact moment it needs help. What we’re treated to next is the WORLD’S GREATEST EURYTHMICS VIDEO! Whether you see it on the big screen or on a plane 6 months from now, it will rock your head-face.
There are a few more fun 80’s bits. Cyclops, by nature of his required sunglasses smacks of “Risky Business.” At the mall, they get Nightcrawler (Kodi Smit-McPhee) a red Thriller zipper jacket, you know, so he’ll fit in with his blueness and long tail. But the best is in the background. In the Egyptian bazaar, as Apocalypse awakens, they’re playing Flock of Seagulls “I Ran (So Far Away)” on the radio in (I assume) Arabic. How do I know this? Because that’s MY mutant power, spotting the 80’s.
Totally 80’s Question: How did they not get the The Bangles to sing “Walk Like A-poc-a-lypse?” WHY DIDN’T SOMEONE ASK FOR MY INPUT!!!???
It’s fun, but not a great movie. I recently saw “Deadpool” which had cool visuals and story spins. There’s something about this one that seems easy. When they’re “gettin’ the mutant band back together” you know they will because you know they all get together. You know McAvoy and Fassbender will unite in some way, then respectfully part ways. You know the blue guy likes the blue girl, but she’s not into bears or whatever he is. And (SPOILER ALERT) when they repair stuff at the end, it’s done as easily as Samantha from “Bewitched” cleans house.
Apocalypse himself is just silly. He looks ridiculous, he makes disciples like it ain’t no thing and they turn on him just as fast. When he’s resurrected, I thought of “Encino Man” and when he talks, “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.” Now you will, too, I hope. That would please me.
Finally, am I the only one who has an issue with apocalyptic premises? Whenever a powerful movie entity wants to take over Earth because mankind sucks, I tend to see their point. Here, they use nukes and Auschwitz as an example, which is a strong argument about human awfulness. This is impacted more by the fact that MSNBC plays constantly in my house because my boyfriend loves the news. Know who could stop Trump? Apocalypse. And I’d be tempted to ask him.
It’s a good enough movie, a really fun time, and a solid date movie. If you make out afterwards, please do it to “99 Luftbaloons, Pat Benatar or the “Pretty in Pink” soundtrack. It would please me.