An angry man types this. Angry for two reasons: one, angry that I paid to see “The Happening”; two, angry because I logged on to this site to see that the lovely and talented Graham Elwood had already taken a run at the film. However, I contend that this film is so awful, so staggeringly bad that it deserves to get tuned up a second time. Indulge me as I get to stompin’… Y’know, I had learned my lesson. The “aliens” at the end of “Signs” had convinced me to wash my hands of M. Night and his ham-handed twist endings with lessons for all mankind. I rented “The Village”. By the way, you remember renting movies, don’t you? A quaint little practice that seems so ridiculous now. I’ll pause here so Blockbuster stockholders can sob quietly…okay, back to me. I rented “The Village”, and didn’t hate it; sure, I liked the version with the Rod Serling wraparound better, but I wasn’t prepared to hunt our friend M. Night down or anything. “The Lady in The Water”? No thanks; true story: the trailer for that film made an entire theater I was sitting in boo, culminating in a guy actually throwing a hot dog at the screen. Do you know the level of hatred you have to generate to get someone to waste a movie theater hot dog? Good Lord, those things cost like $30.00 apiece. Still, it’s the summer, a time of year when I try to see every film…a policy I may have to revise after seeing Mark Wahlberg try to play a teacher. Really? Not since Tara Reid donned glasses to play a scientist in “Alone In The Dark” has an actor stretched the laws of plausibility so thin. Look, I like Mark Wahlberg, but his next moment of gravitas will be his first. From his opening scene, he’s a brick; watching him quiz his class about disappearing honeybees is just painful. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if honeybees were disappearing because they were somehow able to sense this performance coming, like dogs can sense an earthquake. I’m sure as soon as “The Happening” has left theaters the bees will come roaring back, if only to hunt down Wahlberg and sting him repeatedly in the throat so he can never speak again. Sadly, Wahlberg isn’t the only problem. Zooey Deschanel spends the entire movie doll-eyed. She looks like a Keane painting come to life. In fact, everyone in this film gives a theater-in-the-park level performance. From the fake newscasters to the crying children, every single note in this film rings false. Even Betty Buckley’s crazy-for-no-reason old lady is over the top bad. Every scare is telegraphed, every laugh is contrived…and I know I’m sounding like some bitter “I Hate Movies” guy, but the level of amateurism of this film cannot possibly be overstated. People on YouTube show more emotion in their response clips. You can also see how nakedly M. Night steals from himself: the scene in the diner with the cell phone? Just like the scene with Joaquin Phoenix in the closet from “Signs.” The scene where the traffic stops in Philly? Just like the scene with Toni Collette and Haley Joel Osment in the car from “The Sixth Sense”. The scene of me laughing out loud at the ridiculous dialogue? Just like the scene of me laughing out loud at the ridiculous dialogue in “The Village”. I wasn’t alone in feeling this way either. The looks on the faces of my fellow moviegoers can’t be done justice by words such as “disappointed” or “confused”. In fact, we need a new word to describe it: I’m going with “confupointed,” but feel free to make up your own. I think everyone in the theater had the same collective thought: how ironic it was that a film about the horrors of mass suicide could make that very premise seem so inviting. As great as “The Sixth Sense” was, I have to say I really envy Bruce Willis’ character’s fate these days. Whereas he winds up dead at the end of M. Night’s first film, the rest of us are being killed a little at a time by the rest of them.
Mike Schmidt
