Whoo! This is a chick to the flick out the wazoo! This flick operates at such an extreme chick level, I’m don’t think guys can even hear it. Not that there were any in our theater to test that theory. It’s the dog whistle of movies.
Even the casting – Robert Pattinson, Reese Witherspoon. You’ve already packed in the CF crowd. There was a trailer for a Tom Hanks/Julia Roberts move beforehand – we nearly lost our minds. CF overload!
I, however, have a heart of steel. Okay, not steel, I’m quite tender. But I can’t deal with this sort of drama. EVERYONE WAS SO BORING!
I don’t know what there was to love about Reese Witherspoon or Robert Pattinson. They’re boring! And, don’t judge me. I’m not an animal. I looooved The Notebook. Because Jim Rockford and Ryan Gossling are charming, they have a sense of humor. This was like – it’s the story of two boring people falling in love as they’re stuck on a train.
It was tough to watch. Well-acted, well-paced, not a terrible movie by any means. But tough to watch. Here’s why:
This is the story of Robert Pattinson, former steamy vampire. Only here, he’s a different kind of outsider. THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT, but an early-on, inciting incident SPOILER. Early on, he’s taking his finals at Cornell when he’s told his parents died. He leaves school, walks along train tracks with no destination, and voiceovers, “I didn’t see the point of going back to school.”
REALLY? You were one test away from becoming a Cornell-educated vetrinarian and YOU DIDN’T SEE THE POINT OF GOING BACK TO SCHOOL??!!! Am I a thousand years old? Am I grandma telling you to get your degree? It’s not even like he has three more semesters—ONE TEST!!!!! Be a DOCTOR!!! IT’S THE DEPRESSION!!! IT’LL TAKE 2 HOURS!!!
I’m sorry to yell at you, but WTF? I honestly couldn’t get past that, and it’s the launching pad of the whole nonsense. Every time a bad thing happened to him, I was like, “Go back to school!” Jackass.
Anyway, Bobby P. joins a circus, loves an elephant, loves Reese Witherspoon. Yawn city. The saving grace is one way-not boring guy, a delicious villain. You loved him as crazy-bad Nazi of Inglorious Basterds Christoph Waltz! Dear god, he’s fantastically evil. Not since Dabney Coleman has there been such a delicious baddie. He should be in every movie.
Before I go, I’d like to make a request: STOP ROMANTIC LEAD TWITCHY FACE!!! What is with the “I like you so much – Aw shucks” face spasms? Not since Hugh Grant has an English lead face-twitched his way into ladies’ hearts and skirts. Clooney does it, too. It’s an elaborate face dance: a smile, a half-smile, back to a smile, back to half, five or six times, look down, give three or four half smiles, one side, then the other. Robert Pattinson couldn’t stop. I wanted to shoot him up with Botox. Someone should. It doesn’t have to be me.
Is it a good date movie? If your date liked Titanic, walk, don’t run to the theater. You will see it. You will say you loved it. And you will score. Will you enjoy the film? Possibly not, but it’s not the worst way to spend a few hours.
—Laura House
