OMFG. Michael Bay just masturbated into my eyes. That’s the only way I can accurately describe this $200 million dollar cinematic fuck you. It really was horrible. The movie was summed up in one scene, when Shia Le Pew is in his college dorm and there is a “Bad Boys II” poster on the wall. Bay, even if you meant that to be funny, it came across as egomaniacal and well, masturbatory. OK, now I promise I will no longer mention masturbation for the duration of the review. The “plot” has something to do with “The Fallen” who are other Transformers from a long time back that still work with the Decepticons, so what’s the point of even having a third robot race anyway and they’re looking for more “energon” power blah blah blah.. and.. I’m asleep. Now, I understand you go into a Michael Bay movie with low expectations. I got that. But this time, he shoves those low expectations into your face and throws down the gauntlet of suck and dares you to pick it up. Thought you heard bad dialogue before? Optimus Prime saying “My Bad”? Oh, think again. I am reminded of Tim Burton’s “Ed Wood” movie when Ed Wood was talking on the phone saying “How did you like my Movie?…. It’s was the worst movie you’ve ever seen?! Well, wait ‘till you see my next one!” The first “Transformers” movie wasn’t too horrible. It did what it needed to do and the Michael Bay-ness didn’t kill the movie, just made it boring and mediocre when giant robots weren’t fighting. That’s what he does. Add a few squirmingly corny lines and that’s his formula. Michael Bay clearly has the sense of humor of a four year old, and not a very funny four year old. But this one really went off the rails, even for Michael Bay. To go over the plot holes is pointless. Once again the “Pirates of the Caribbean” screenwriting class of “make it up as you go along” is in full session. Everything from pointlessly ripping off “Terminator 3” to seeing a robot hump Megan Fox’s leg will just make you more angry until you get to the “Tomb Raider” conclusion. I never thought giant robots fighting could be so boring. The last fight scene while also pointless literally went on forever. Giant robots fighting, and I’m checking my watch. This movie was bigger, slower, louder, and dumber than the first one and for no reason. There’s a rich Transformers mythology (okay not THAT rich) but enough to make a few movies out of for sure without throwing away all the rules and characters. It was sloppy and lazy and was a low point, even for Michael Bay. However, as I’m sure you already know, none of this matters. The movie made a shitload of money. Of course there is going to be another one. I’m sure they’ve already started not writing the script. On the way out there was paper over some spots on the carpet. Someone had left early and thrown up on the way out. I knew exactly how they felt.
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