Ok, we’re back with some more wonderful and vexing news in film. Some really notable things going on this time around.
Get this: As if any of us with any sense would care, Transformers 5 is happening, and they’re calling it Transformers: The Last Knight. Of course, Michael Bay returns to direct this monstrosity, written by Iron Man scribes Art Marcum, Matt Holloway and Ken Nolan (Black Hawk Down). These writers don’t give me hope because we all know what Michael Bay is capable of doing to any script.
Mark Wahlberg will return as Cade Yeager and is joined by Isabela Moner and Jerrod Carmichael. Filming begins June 6th in Detroit before moving to other locations around the world. This debacle is slated to release June 23, 2017. We can all say we have a headache that weekend and stay home.
In this week’s “Tempting Fate” story, Terry Gilliam is persistently back to making his previously cursed film, The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, and now has finally locked into actors Adam Driver and old Monty Python pal, Michael Palin. The story has, over the years and through many obstacles, changed a bit. Gilliam has said that he wanted to make a film about how “movies can damage people”.
The premise of The Man Who Killed Don Quixote is this: Toby was a young film student full of ideals. So he shot a film adapting the story of Don Quixote in a pretty Spanish village. But now, years later, Toby is an arrogant, jaded, publicist. While in Spain for work, he visits the town where he shot his film, and is horrified to find that the film had a terrible effect on the whole town. The old man who played Don Quixote now believes he really is Quixote, and thinks Toby is his faithful squire Sancho. during his journey, Toby will faces demons, real and imaginary, Damsels will be rescued, jousts completed and giants will be killed! Fantasy and reality will merge in the strange journey, until a spooky ending.
I’m in – let’s just hope it isn’t plagued by disaster at every turn this time. I’m rooting for ya, Terry!
In this week’s “Not really a big deal” story, Natalie Portman will not be returning in Thor: Ragnarok, because, according to Kevin Feige, most of the next Thor film will be taking place in the cosmos, not on Earth. As much as I like Natalie Portman, I can’t say I’ll really miss her all that much. I don’t think the Marvel Universe will, either. There, I said it.
In related news, here’s a “Who says less is more?” story: both Jeff Goldblum and Karl Urban have been added to the otherwise already huge cast of Thor: Ragnarok. The two actors will costar alongside Chris Hemsworth, Tessa Thompson, Cate Blanchett, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba and Mark Ruffalo in the Marvel sequel. It’s a freakin’ star-studded, mythological, comic book extravaganza! See? We totally don’t need Natalie Portman.
In this week’s “Old School is New School” story, writer/director Shane Black is going to reboot Predator, and he’s not telling if Arnold Schwarzenegger is in it or not. ““There’s one of two ways we can go. We use Schwarzenegger or we don’t. And there’s advantages to using him and there’s a story to be told if we don’t, and I’m not going to tell you which one we chose, but we made a choice that I think is cool and we’ll see what happens,” Black said.
In this week’s “Reboot’s are the new Black” story, it’s rumored that Jennifer Lawrence may be joining Sandra Bullock and the cast of the all female reboot of Ocean’s 11. Oh yeah, and Steven Soderbergh and George Clooney are looking to produce an all-female reboot of Ocean’s 11. Whatever. No sense in making a new, original film, right guys? Stop being part of the problem!
In this week’s “That’s a lot of money to say ‘Bond, James Bond'” story, rumours are that Daniel Craig was offered, and turned down, a whopping 68 million pounds (about $100 million) PLUS a percentage to play James Bond in two more films after Spectre. Now apparently he has one more Bond film in his contract, but there has certainly been a lot of buzz about Craig not wanting to do any more of them. So, as it stands, we don’t know for sure whether he’s in for one more, or if he’s walking away. Don’t you love these unsubstantiated stories? Could someone call Daniel Craig, please? UPDATE: Rumour is now that Craig is out NOW. After four films, he’s done.
In this week’s “Least of your problems” story, Michael Fassbender has said that the Alien: Covenant sets look old and battered, like the original Star Wars. Cameras are now rolling on Alien: Covenant, the sequel to Prometheus, and they’re going for a more grimey look like that of the first Alien film.
There’s “an old-school element where things look used and battered, like the original ‘Star Wars‘…” said Michael Fassbender, who plays the film’s “synthetic” David, to The Australia Herald Sun about the sets for the movie, which he says will feature NASA-style technology as well.
Ok, that’s good to know, but let’s face it, the slick glossy appearance of things in Prometheus was the least of it’s troubles.
In this week’s “Important film to see” story, The Last Laugh is a documentary that asks the question, “Can Nazis and the Final Solution ever be funny? Should they be joked about?” A celebrity list of comedians as well as several actual Holocaust survivors weigh in offering a wide range of answers that underlines just how personal and changeable, notions of humor and offense are.
In this week’s “best film title” story, filmmaker Mickey Keating’s action-thriller, Carnage Park, will release on VOD on July 1. Set in 1978, two bank robbers and their hostage find themselves in the sights of a psychotic ex-military sniper. Keating describes it as a love letter to ’70’s survival movies. Sounds fun!
In this week’s “Michael Keaton” story, turns out he is now back in the Spiderman: Homecoming movie, and he’s going to play the classic villain, The Vulture. According to the folks at Deadline: Hollywood, the deal is closed. So, that’s cool!
In this week’s “Old iPhone games make viable films” story, Angry Birds is projected to make around $ 42 million dollars this weekend. I would not have predicted that, but we’ll see Monday morning, won’t we?
Robert Downey, Jr. is a busy guy. While on tour for Captain America: Civil War, he has said that Sherlock Holmes 3 is still in the works and may even start shooting this year. Joel Silver is producing and said the same, and also that this third installment probably won’t be the last.
In this week’s “Am I a clown to you?” story, Joe Pesci as reportedly turned down a role in Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman. I t was one of the biggest rights deals at Cannes, and the rest of the cast is Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, and Harvey Keitel. Turns out Pesci has all but retired from acting, but the hope is that if anyone can convince Pesci to come back to the film it’s Scorsese.
As a semi-related note, Louis C.K. wanted Pesci to be in his project Horace and Pete, and Pesci not only said ‘no’, he also told C.K., “I watched your stand-up, which I can tell you’re just trying, and you’re no good at it…quit that now”. Yeah, that’s a dick move, so I don’t know that I really care what Pesci does either way.
In this week’s “Clowns are scary” story, for all of you that suffer from coulrophobia, you better stay the Hell out of theaters the rest of the year. There are no less than four, yes, FOUR clown based horror films enroute to the big screen. The Eli Roth-produced Clown arrives June 17, and then Rob Zombie’s 31 comes out September 16. After that there’s the Stephen King rebooted It, and violent The Night Watchmen. And if that wasn’t enough, the trailer for Clowntown has just been released. Maybe we should get Joe Pesci in one of these?
And in this week’s “Just because Angry Birds can do it, doesn’t mean YOU should.” story, it seems the mobile app game Fruit Ninja is going to get a film adaptation of its’ own. It’ll be a live-action family comedy, and writers J.P. Lavin and Chad Damiani are going to have their work cut out for them in order to try to come up with a whole fucking script based on a game that only consists of swiping your phone screen to chop fruit that has been tossed in the air. Good luck, suckers!
~ Neil T. Weakley, your average movie-goer, thanking you for checking out this busy week in film news!