At first I didn’t want to see this third Mummy Movie. Then I saw the trailer. OMG, Jet Li, a three headed fire breathing dragon, and some Yeti? This has nothing to do with “The Mummy”. I’m in! Let’s just say my first instincts were correct. The plot is… wait. I think I’m going to stop using the word “plot” in reference to movies that simply don’t have them. The “contrived premise” involves a Chinese Mummy who wants to conquer the world, an undead army, a curse, and the Mummy chasing O’Connell family. Rachel Weisz wisely opted out of this movie and was replaced with I’m sure a now regretful Maria Bello. There used to be a time when there were rules in Science Fiction and Fantasy. The best Sci Fi and Fantasy still have them. A gets it’s power from B, is weakened by C, is immune to D, and is only killed by E. OK. Great. Then we had the “Pirates of the Caribbean” films and filmmakers realized rules and coherency are for suckers. Make it up as you go along! Have great lines of dialogue like “Once he reaches the pool he’ll be able to turn into all different kinds of beasts.” Huh? Then if you can turn into a giant fire breathing dragon, wouldn’t you stay like that to fight the puny mortal humans? The script is lazily slapped together from parts of “Indiana Jones”, the first two mummy movies, and even a little “Hero”. I don’t know what hack screenwriters did before Final Draft’s search and replace tool. Also, the painful attempts at humor are incredibly forced and fail miserably. It’s like watching an entire episode of “According to Jim.” The showrunners from “Smallville” are credited for writing this mess, and it’s REALLY clear they didn’t give a shit on how it came out. Yetis carrying a stretcher?! I laughed out loud and disturbed the other eight people in the theater with me. I’m not going to come down hard on Brendan Fraser. I actually like him. But he’s turned into a caricature of himself. The dashing adventurer who was likable and funny from the first movie is gone, replaced with the boring adventurer who tries to be funny and isn’t. Someone please give Brendan Fraser a good script or at least tell him to stop taking bad ones. I went into the movie with low expectation and was still let down. Again I’m trying not to be too negative because I even liked the first “Mummy” movie. I even thought Stephen Sommers had some promise as a director of fun popcorn action movies after seeing the first “Mummy” movie. Then I saw “The Mummy Returns” and “Van Helsing”. And…. I’m out. God only knows what he’s going to do to “GI Joe: Rise of Cobra”. Director Rob Cohen gets the blame for this movie, though. My favorite line of the movie: “Your ass is on fire.” Actually, mine was comfortably asleep and nowhere near the edge of my seat.
—Chris Mancini
