Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman star as a couple of incredibly uninteresting 14th Century knights that must help transport a suspected witch to some monastery where they will supposedly thwart what they think is her ongoing scheme called The Black Plague.
Can you imagine if this review blew you all away and I gushed about the glorious mastery of film making that is Season of the Witch? And the scary things is, maybe, at one time, years ago, I might have said some things like that. Oh yes, my dear, fuzzy kittenhanded readers, I was once quite the push over in the theater. My friends once said of me, “Oh, Neil likes everything.” I know, it’s hard to fathom, right? But luckily I decided to work in film production for a while, and saw more films. LOTS more. So you can wipe that look off your incredulous faces because now, I can happily – and correctly – confirm your suspicions about this movie by telling you that not only do I believe Season of the Witch will be the worst film of 2011, but it is unequivocally one of the worst films I have ever seen.
And no, it is not one of those movies that are so bad you laugh at the remarkable, unbelievable awfulness of it. It is so…bland, dull, UNremarkable in every single way that there is absolutely nothing funny about it. It is like a celluloid death shroud.
Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman star as a couple of incredibly uninteresting 14th Century knights that must help transport a suspected witch to some monastery where they will supposedly thwart what they think is her ongoing scheme called The Black Plague. Oh, those wacky Dark Ages. Perlman tries his best, but the big, ale-swilling wise-cracker is even thin in his usually capable hands. Nic Cage continues to dig his career deeper into a hole by acting virtually uninterested in anything but getting his tax situation remedied, and in fact often looks as if he may not have even slept or sobered up before shooting.
I won’t add insult to injury to most of the other actors in this because, really, why do more damage to everyone’s lack-luster contribution’s here? Not that they had much to work with anyway. I will however, mention Claire Foy who plays the witch because there is something of note. Here is an actress who is actually from England, who eliminates her accent entirely. I would bet anything that she was instructed to squelch it because it would make the rest of the cast (Cage) look even more ridiculous seeing as none of them spoke with any accent. I mean, really, Nic Cage could hardly be bothered. Hell, he barely made an effort to stand upright. What is with that fucking slouch? Did he throw out his back accepting every script on Earth of dubious merit? Is that what he calls “method acting” now? Someone get Nicolas a better financial planner! Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The CG effects are actually just short of video games – from five years ago. There are some brief, choppy Crusade battle scenes that are sterile, sprinkled with the worst, humorless banter, and were more boring than the still moments of the film. And the anti-religion sentiments are about as subtle as a proctology exam done as a snuff film. Ouch. I mean, I think religion has killed more people than pretty much anything else, too, but geez, you don’t have to be bitter about it. I get it, witch-hunting is wrong, and you clearly aren’t crazy about organized religion.
Don’t get me started on some of the random, patchwork editing. Although, I suppose it’s possible they made the existing footage BETTER. Brrrr….I don’t even want to consider the possibility that the footage was worse beforehand. That just fills my heart with woe. We can thank the directing genius of Dominic Sena (Gone In 60 Seconds) for this dreck. Writer Bragi F. Schut (TV show Threshold) should be openly slapped and have his hands removed so he can never write without help again.
Never see Season of the Witch. Not ever. You’ll just encourage it to turn up on DVD or cable. Not only will you lose an hour and fifty minutes of your life, but this movie will actually go back and take an EXTRA hour and fifty minutes from a part of your life you have already lived, and then travel forward in time to steal ANOTHER hour and fifty minutes, out of spite.
This movie deserves NO kittenhands! In fact, I would like to chop off one and half kittenhands from all people involved and make them fight each other with the remaining bloody stumps to get them back.
~ Neil T. Weakley, your average movie-goer, acutely aware of “junk movie season”.
