It’s one thing to have low expectations of a movie, it’s something else entirely when the movie practically greets you at the door with a shit-eating grin and welcomes you with a hearty kick in the nuts.
Watching this “movie” was very much like the worse option between that and gnawing my hand or foot off in order to escape the theater. Oh, I could get a prosthetic hand or foot and live out the rest of my life just fine. But so help me, there isn’t enough booze on Earth to destroy the memory of having sat through this unnecessarily blood and gore-riddled piece of useless celluloid.
I like movies, people. I really do. All kinds, including horror movies. And I can often find at least one aspect of any movie with some value. Unfortunately, I can not for the life of me locate an upside to “Saw V”.
The acting is just adequate. Let’s hear it for Costas Mandylor and Tobin Bell (who according to the last “Saw” film, is inexplicably back from the dead in this one) for being delightfully one note. As are the rest of the actors, some of which are recognizable. Even a surprise or two: Julie Benz?! Was the paycheck so good that she had to do this on her time away from “Dexter”? Oh well. I guess money is money, right? Most everyone else just seems to have practiced screaming in the mirror a lot. “What’s your motivation? You’re an audience member and you just realized you paid $12 to see this! Aaand…ACTION!”
The plot is a stretch, the sickeningly disturbing death contraptions are as twisted as ever and the whole moralistic premise of appreciating life is, albeit noble in theory, now of the Cambrian era in the context of this franchise. I got the message in the first “Saw”. They’ve been beating a dead horse into pulpy offal ever since.
And when the production designer of the series takes over directing them, it’s time to consider moving on. And this is coming from someone who has been a production designer. Just stop it.
I could go into a detailed description of the plot…uh, well, maybe not. Something about a cop helping the Jigsaw killer find criminals for him to torture, but some of them weren’t criminals, they were just ethically unsound. Whatever; it’s full of holes and ridiculous scenes designed solely to offer up gratuitous gore for no reason with less entertainment value than the fake blood you get at the drug store.
It’s not even scary, just gross. It doesn’t add anything new to the series, nor anything to the horror/gore genre. Even gore fans will be disappointed I think, because there isn’t enough story to hold it together. And yet, this movie also has the gall to imply yet another installment by leaving an unanswered question or two. Fuck these movies.
There is nothing about this film that benefits our species in any way. You are best to pretend it never happened at all. Don’t bother seeing a matinee, don’t rent it on DVD, ever. It will make you unhappy if not downright angry.
—Neil T. Weakley, the “Happy I found a hundred dollar bill on the ground after seeing this or I would have given it a REALLY bad review” Movie-goer.
