Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the most entertaining movie of the summer. What? Too strong right out of the gate? Well, you nay-sayers, you negative nancys, you…you, people that like to be all sour-pussy about everything, can just bite me.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the most entertaining movie of the summer. What? Too strong right out of the gate? Well, you nay-sayers, you negative nancys, you…you, people that like to be all sour-pussy about everything, can just bite me. Piranha 3-D is most definitelyly the most fun I’ve had in a movie theater all summer!
The plot is pretty straight forward: at a lake in a desert town called Lake Victoria (which looks strangely Lake Havasu) an underwater earthquake opens a tunnel to a much larger under-water lake that happens to have been harboring a rather hungry and unpleasant strain of piranha for a crap-load of years. As luck would have it, it’s Spring Break at Lake Victoria and people start getting eaten, and pretty soon it’s a delicious blood and boob fest with more of each than my squeals of excitement could possibly convey alone. I also need a print review to tell you about it.
Here’s a horror movie with a sense of humor, with lots of great gore, and even a quality cast. It’s a horror film that knows how to poke fun of things, but not delve too far into parody to make it overly silly and dated. This was handled all the right ways for a movie of this genre.
Thankfully, there isn’t really any plot to this movie, and that’s just the way this type of horror works best. It’s really all about the blood and gore and how to make us laugh through it all. Gross me out, with a smile. I wouldn’t say the effects are top-notch, but they certainly do a very serviceable job and even combine the practical well with some CG effects. And thankfully, the 3-D was fun and actually added something to the film.
The cast is great and everyone does a fine job here. They clearly had fun and it shows with their enthusiasm and no one walks through their role. Not even porn star Riley Steele. Well, of course looking really gorgeous and screaming are her primary activities here, but hey, kudos just the same. Elisabeth Shue plays the tough sheriff of the town and she does great, and looks great too. Jerry O’Connell plays a hilarious porn director, a la the guy that started the Girls Gone Wild series. He’s wonderfully over the top and absurd. Look for amazing small roles by Christopher Lloyd as the local old guy that knows all about prehistoric fish. Oh yeah, his brilliant manic quality is perfect. Ving Rhames is here as deputy to Ms. Shue’s sheriff. His choice of weapons is inspired. And the most awesome of guest appearances is by Richard Dreyfuss. I won’t even tell you who he plays, just in case you haven’t heard yet. It’s genius.
For a brief moment, I was afraid this movie would slow down in the middle. But thankfully, it was only a brief time. Soon, the movie propels into its’ third act and gives you more gleeful gore than you know how to handle. And frankly, when you think it’s going to slow down in the middle act, it only slows down so it can show you many, many beautiful women and their naked boobs. I did mention earlier that this takes place during Spring Break, right? Lots of young beautiful people drinking and partying on boat and in the water. So, yeah, there’s gonna be a lot of boobs. Oh, and this movie actually had an underwater ballet trainer. Underwater ballet with a porn star? Seriously, what else do you need for big screen entertainment? What, you want a gripping, emotionally powerful story you can relate to? Then go ask Oprah what you should fucking see. This is a movie about carnivorous fish EATING PEOPLE IN A FRENZIED BLOODLUST. Get over it!
Ok, is it because this summer has been so devoid of Hollywood movie entertainment that this was so good to me? I honestly don’t think so. This was just plain fun right out of the gate. Ok, granted, this movie is aiming at a male audience, but even the ladies that like funny horror movies will have the sense of humor to enjoy it. No, it’s not for your kids, no it’s not for your parents. But it IS chock full ‘o fun! Oh, and the end of this film? Perfection. It left me wanting more. Now go vote with your dollar and see Piranha 3-D !
~ Neil T. Weakley, your average movie-goer, honestly saying this is the most fun I’ve had in the theater all summer!
