Dear Meryl Streep, Are you okay? Do you need money? Did someone kidnap you and make you do this movie? Blink twice if you need help. I will send someone to get you. I appreciate that you’re breaking out of your Oscary movies. You were amazing in “Devil Wears Prada” and really raised the bar for actors playing jerky boss ladies. I even liked you all the way back to “She-Devil.” But this? What was this? It made no sense. Didn’t the director, at any point, let you say, “No, that’s stupid. Let’s definitely not do that.” Like when you sang on a cliff for four minutes to Remington Steele? That was so awkward. I thought at one point, one of you might jump off the cliff and end it all. You looked like you wanted to. Did the director not know about lip synching? Pierce Brosnan didn’t actually have to sing. They could have gotten a good singer and let him just mouth the words. And what was he doing in this movie, anyway? He was James Bond! Wait. Maybe you did the movie as a favor. Is that it?! Then, that’s really nice of you. I mean, you’re in this movie about a girl who invites her three possible dads to her wedding, then spends the rest of the movie in disbelief that things got weird. And expressing herself through Abba songs. How many songs does Abba have? Do they have one about wanting a movie to be over? I would have sung along to that one. Look, I know it’s a big hit musical. I’ve heard about it for years. I’ve heard great things about it. And, I love musicals. Unironically, I love “Grease 2” and “The Pirate Movie.” I love goofy crap! But this, this was just too goofy and crappy for me. I don’t mean to be mean. It’s just that, you’ve won all those Oscars. We, regular people, look to you for some kind of cinematic quality control. You starred in “Sophie’s Choice” for God’s sake! I considered starting a petition to take away some of your Oscars, but I think being in “Mamma Mia!” may be punishment enough. And, really, it’s not like everyone hated it. My gay friend liked it. I think my mom would like it. I think my mom’s gay friend would love it. And it’s probably a good date movie, for people who love it. They can go home, make out, and hum “Fernando” to one another. That could be fun, I guess. As for me, I’m going home and re-watching “Defending your Life.” I miss you. Love, Laura House
