Knowing Review

I would of gotten this review up sooner but I have an aversion to writing about bullshit. Well, the trailer looked good. And it started out interesting, but then agendas started to rear their crazy beaks and it all went to hell. Literally. Maybe if you’re on a plane this film can pass the time or if you are doing a study on how to conceal religious doctrine inside a popcorn movie. Either way it’s going to take up some time. Time that could have been spent training my body to become a trim, fighting machine that fights evil. Anyway, I realize that I’m rolling the dice on movies released in the DMZ of post-Oscar pre-Summer. Are they hidden gems or orphans of the direct to DVD refugee camps that hide out late night on Showtime? “Knowing” is not a gem. Unless you consider gems to be Poptarts that have stayed in the bottom of your backpack after two weeks in the middle east and you’re really hungry. I’ve tasted these treats and at the right time they are great. I thought “Knowing” would fulfill this post “Watchmen” pre “Star Trek” hunger that longed in my cinema belly. It was like the first bite was fruit-a-riffic then the rest had gone bad and yet I still chewed. So the star of the “Bangkok Dangerous” remake, Nick Cage, is a man of science who is estranged from his preacher father. His kid gets a letter from a time capsule with nothing but numbers on it. Dr. Cage decodes it to find out that it is dates of giant disasters and a few are due soon. Oh no! What is the creepy kid and the weirdo blond guys in coats going to do? I’m sure Dr. No Faith will find out. Well he does and man is it a wing dinger. Like my friend Micah’s wife asked, “Is it one of those creepy kid singing “ring around the rosies,” hauntingly in the background movies?” Well, kinda. I like Cage, but then it’s like “National Treasure” goes to bible camp. And I can’t remember the supporting cast so that gives you an idea. I don’t want to ruin the ending but it’s like a mash-up of the Book of Revelations and Scientology. And it hits you right in the face. All you non-believers are going to get what’s coming. While the faithful get a free trip on the Cocoon boat to eternal boner swimming pools. (enjoy this reference) I want to find my old friend Nick and see him make a film believer out of me once more. In the mean time I’m going to drink a protein shake and PALM STRIKE my way through April til Starfleet comes a’calling. —Graham Elwood