Okay this is spoiler heavy but not of the whole movie, because I didn’t see any ONE whole movie.
Okay this is spoiler heavy but not of the whole movie, because I didn’t see any ONE whole movie.
You know they is only so many hours in the day, only so many “must see” movies a year, and yet there is a infinite amount of people that you are going to meet at parties. So this is a lesson that was taught to me in the 90’s by executives at FOX during the reign of Mr. Roth. They called it “doing a crawl” and I called it “The Producer’s Crawl”
The premise is that we are all really busy and do not have the time to see every movie from beginning to end, and yet all of our friends and aquaintances have worked on something in the mutli-plex at any given moment, so how do you see everything all at once? Answer: buy a ticket at a move from theatre to theatre throughout the evening.
Of course this means that you won’t see all the movies, but if you are working in the industry, you don’t need to. You can tell from the end of the movie what the beginning must be, and if you come in the hour, and see the reversal at page 60, then you can surmise the character development. Then there a few other tips and I will tell them to you now.
So I go to my local 14 screener and get a ticket for the 3D thing first. Because you can’t get the glasses otherwise this gives you the largest number of screens available to you. Luckily, it was the one year anniversary since it open and all movies were $5 so I scored a bonus. So I get a seat for Jackass 3D, ( see Neil’s review) and this is a good one to start since there is no plot and all the gags are variations on the same thing, you can leave early and not worry. So after the model train shit volcano it was time to move on.
Next plan is to see everything else that is 3D since you are accustomed to the glasses, it can be headache inducing to switch dimensions. So I pop in in the middle of “Guardians of the…” not quite sure. This is what I saw in the few minutes I stood there. Four owls are flying with a snake in a purse as they are attacked by crows, they fight them off as they land at some gateway, and a wise badger tells them “their journey is long” and they hit a snowstorm.
Okay, so one can deduce from this that it is a quest film and the snake has the info and blah blah. What was immediately evident is that this movie is poorly directed since the PACING was way off. The Crow attack was rushed, the supposedly comedic badger was drawn poorly and edited so his timing was horrible. Jokes fell flat and it was like each sequence was farmed out and then strung together. If I saw the whole thing I would have been pissed.
Then Paranormal Activity 2 was next door, but it had just started, and the one rule to doing the crawl, is enter the horror movie at THE END. Most horror movies is a lot of filler (building suspense) and a few scares (jump out from the shadows) and then “the thing” is revealed at the end. Chances are they have already shown the end in the trailer somehow ( Like they did with Quarantine) If it sucks then you can talk about the stupidity of the end, and if looks cool, then you can always go back and see how they got there. I, unfortunately, ignored this rule and came in the middle where it was complete boredom as a baby and mother moved around the house. It is nice to know that the bigger budget on this one went right into the filmmakers’ pockets and not up on screen.
Moving on: Clint Eastwood thoughtful (read SLOW) paced acting heavy Hereafter; couldn’t get pass the fact Ben Affleck did not look like a tough bank robber; and then enjoyed RED after that. All the actors look like they were having fun and I noted to myself that I will probably go and pay for that one.
The “hiring the hackers drinking party” scene at The Social Network made me roll my eyes. Then I walk in on that one where they hot couple suddenly have a baby, Life as we know i“… I caught 8 cliches in 5 minutes and so knowing it was that obvious I could imagine the rest of the movie in my sleep and then throw up in my mouth. Will Sasso was at the table and chances are I will probably run into him this holiday season and then I can HONESTLY say ” I saw you in Life… you looked good.” And that really is the point. If you are filmmaker, you can see the state of the industry in just a couple of hours, and see what all your peers are up to. If you are marketing, you can look at the audience and see how effective the ads were based on number of people in the room and a rough guess of the demographic.
Then I walked back into Jackass to see, I guess, the most outrageous stunt so I could then I can laugh about it with all my friends next weekend somewhere. I have saved myself time and money. Of course, Oscar season is around the corner and this technique helps with the Oscar betting pool.
Try it, and be the life of the party next time.
—Dean Haglund, with his new sci fi and conspiracy gift pack in the store just in time for the holidays.
