Saw the new movie “Redbelt,” and it was a snooze. It takes a different approach to the martial arts genre, in that it goes the whole philosophical, there-is-honor-in-what-we-do, competition-is-weakness route. Even as a guy fascinated by the concept of discipline and honor in fighting, I say blah– it’s a movie– let’s see somebody get kicked in the head. In the interest of full disclosure, let me say that I’m not a Mamet guy. Sure “Glengarry” is amazing, but ever since then I watch his movies and wonder where that guy went. I’m sure it’s my problem but I’m just so distracted by the dialogue/cadence thing he has his actors do… “This is the thing…” “Aahh yes…the thing.” “We know what should be done, do we not?” “Yes, we do…” “To do the thing… “Aahh yes…the thing…” That…halting…speech, the endless repackaging of the same thought– it always sounds like somebody punched William Shatner in the throat. Couple that with a ponderous, anti-competition message and the whole thing plays like an episode of “Kung Fu” but instead of snatching the pebble from the old man’s hand, they snatched the twelve bucks from mine. Mamet made the movie as a tribute to the art of Jiu-Jitsu, which he has been studying for quite some time, which got me to thinking: how would I approach a fight with David Mamet? It sounds ridiculous, but I do live in Los Angeles, so it could happen. I actually ran into him once at Whole Foods, but I didn’t have beef with him then so the thought never crossed my mind…not that I have beef with him now. It was a movie for God’s sake; you can’t just knock a guy out because you didn’t like his film. If you could, we’d all be in line to take a poke at the Wachowskis, and we’d never have time to see ANY movies. No, this is purely hypothetical, mainly because I don’t need Mamet reading this and whipping my ass. Of course, any fight with Mamet is going to have to start with fighting my way through Ricky Jay and Joe Mantegna, the ridiculous henchmen to Mamet’s super-villain. I picture those two wearing sweatshirts with nicknames on them, like from the old “Batman” television show. Jay’s would say “Stiffy” in honor of his wooden delivery of dialogue. Seriously, the disembodied voice that tells me how many messages are on my answering machine does better line reads than Jay. Mantegna’s would just have a Chicago Cubs logo on it, as he’s probably more famous for being a Cubs fan than an actor these days. So after taking out Jay and Mantegna-which I would do, by the way…not because I’m The Man, but because they’re a combined 120 years old. The only real danger would be from Jay baffling me with some close-up magic, allowing Mantegna to stab me in the eye with one of the huge cigars he always seems to be smoking. After taking them out, I’d move on to Mamet. For irony’s sake I’d want to end the fight one of two ways: first, by kimura, which is a type of armlock, and whose application would ensure that Mamet’s arm would be out of commission for a while. Good news for all, as he couldn’t type out another “Redbelt” script anytime soon. If the kimura wasn’t available, however, I’d go for the rear-naked choke. This is a move where you climb on your opponent’s back, choking him until he taps out (quits) or passes out. I don’t see Mamet as the tapping-out type, so I’m guessing he passes out…which would be satisfying, as “Redbelt” had the same effect on me. In fact, “Redbelt” is the rear-naked choke of movies– I wanted to tap out, but wound up going right to sleep. Again I point out that I’m kidding. I don’t really want to fight David Mamet. I say this for two reasons: one, I enjoy my visits to Whole Foods. I don’t want to have to keep my head on a swivel looking for a Mamet Attack every time I stop for Acai. And two: on the off chance some banana head rear naked chokes Mamet sometime in the future, I don’t want to be a suspect. Trust me, if anyone’s gonna take out Mamet, my money’s on Shelley. He REALLY wants those leads.