Twilight: Total Eclipse of the Heart nutshell Review: It’s better than the second, not as good as the first. But only because the first was the first. This is actually a pretty good movie.
Nutshell Review: It’s better than the second, not as good as the first. But only because the first was the first. This is actually a pretty good movie. It had more movieness than the others, esp. the sucky second one. Which was more like watching someone think about a story than seeing one all acted out.
So, here’s the deal. Vampires hate werewolf dog people and vice-versa. Of vampires, there are good ones and bad ones, but of dog people there only seem to be about 5 of them, and they’re supposedly all pretty good.
In this story, Bella is a pretty girl. Not the prettiest girl ever, but certainly not unpretty. But she has a devastating effect on monsters. Literal monsters. They just fall in love with her. She probably gets fan mail from Count Chocula.
Two monsters are fighting for her – literally. She made Victoria, some undead girl mad, then she’s after her. Victoria tricks some young vampire to make a new vampire army to attack the other vampires and the vampires get the dog-men-people to help them, even though they’re sworn enemies because it’s all in the name of protecting Bella. Tale as old as time. Are you still reading this? I nearly typed myself to sleep just now.
This movie does what all great monster movies do— it makes shit up. Now, you’re no spring chicken. You’ve been around the block a bit, seen some vampire movies. What I’m saying is, you know the vampire rules. They can’t be in the sun, can’t see their reflections, drink blood, stake in the heart, and all that. But to make this story work, they gave us new information: New vampires are super-strong and crazy-wild for blood. They’re in fact, much tougher than regular aged vampires. Huh?
What about Interview with a Vampire? Didn’t we learn there that you can never be stronger than your master? How would a new anything be stronger than a master something? Nothing in vampire history suggests that vampires get weaker as they go along. I call bullshit. It was bad enough in the first movie when they made up the sun thing, “Oh, yeah, vampires can go outside in the sun, we just get all sparkly, is all.” Oh! And I guess werewolves don’t really turn into wolves, they just get a little 5 o’clock shadow. Bull! Bull! Bull! New vampires are all weak and freaked out. Everybody knows.
Edward springs another vampire surprise on us. He maintains old-timey values, and won’t have sex before marriage. Get this straight: he has no soul, and he eats people. But there has to be a moral line and he draws it at pre-marital sex. I would love, too, if he were some version of a vampire vegetarian and deeply involved with Habitat for Humanity.
Add this to the mix: Bella wants to become a vampire and live forever with Edward, but balks at the notion of marriage. So, forfeiting her soul and humanity, a choice for which there is no going back, is all well and good, but marriage – that’s a really big commitment.
Now, within this story, Bella has choices. Her town’s name is Forks, so we know the story is all about choice. Be a vampire or stay human. Be with sexy blood-sucking Edward, or date the king of sit-ups and man-dog Jacob. Both are vying for her love, and this film just comes right out with it. They even go so far as to have a fight over her in a tent as she sleeps soundly between them. It was oddly reminiscent of Brokeback Mountain. Two cute guys in a tent, filled with sexiness and tension. Neither really saying exactly what they mean, but this time there was a girl there.
Edward loves Bella, but doesn’t want her to be a vampire because it’s (faraway look) some kind of fate worse than you can imagine. Jacob also loves Bella, and argues that she shouldn’t be with Edward because Edward is not even alive! Look at Jacob, all hot-blooded. Jacob (in his own opinion) is the obvious choice. And, personally, I believe that Jacob would certainly be a loyal and cuddly mate – BECAUSE HE IS A DOG!!! Whenever Jacob makes the stink-face about Edward, it’s like – How are you some great choice? You literally turn into a giant CG dog monster. He wears tiny cut-offs all the time and no shirt (pro). But he hangs out with his 5 brothers all the time and they can all read each other’s thoughts (con).
Is it a good date movie? Yes, if you’re young. Or a vampire. Or a werewolf. Or dating a vampire or werewolf. Or any other monster, really. It’s definitely a good movie for monsters. Young monsters, particularly so.