When people applaud in a movie theater after the film is over, one might assume it’s because they enjoyed it so much they instinctively show their appreciation. When this occurs after Transformers 3, I can only assume it means the audience is thankful the film is over.
When people applaud in a movie theater after the film is over, one might assume it’s because they enjoyed it so much they instinctively show their appreciation. When this occurs after Transformers 3, I can only assume it means the audience is thankful the film is over. For a person that is fully capable of giving a movie the benefit of the doubt, I can honestly say that Michael Bay makes some of the worst films ever. His films seem to exist soley to generate money taken from the least discerning audiences anywhere. Yes, even though some films exist just so we can turn off our brains and enjoy the ride of a fun popcorn movie, it doesn’t mean we should have to put up with almost three hours of every miserable cheesy cliche’ in the vacuous movie arsenal. And yet, Michael Bay seems to think this is what we all want to see. And you know what? If people keep spending their money on them, he’ll get his way.
In Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, the Autobots discover one of the ir old ships from Cybertron had crash-landed on the moon. They must race to discover its’ secrets before the Decepticons find out first. Then there’s a lot of nonsense about pylons used to teleport the Autobots planet Cybertron here to Earth so the Decepticons can enslave humanity. Sort of like Michael Bay has enslaved good film making – and our wallets. Bay has officially only made one entertaining film: The Rock. And we can agree that was only a guilty pleasure. Talk about a downward spiral.
Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, brings us all the usual suspects, except for Megan Fox, since she compared Bay to Hitler. If I’m going to respect Fox for anything, that would be my reason. Shia LeBouf returns as Sam Witwicky, who apparently just wants to be noticed and patted on the back for saving the world twice, even though it was pretty much the Autobots that did that, but Sam is all bent out of shape about it. He has a new girlfriend, Carly, played by supermodel Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. What often happens when you cast a supermodel? As Chris Mancini put it, you get someone that makes Megan Fox look like Meryl Streep. Aptly put. And oh, look, Josh Duhamel returns as whatever soldier guy he is and frankly, if it weren’t for this franchise, what would he be doing? He’s adequate here, but utterly two dimensional. Same with Tyrese Gibson. And pretty much everyone in this. What happened to John Turturro? Can’t the Coen Bros. give him work? And Frances McDormand? Did you need the money that bad? And for fuck’s sake, why are two decent character actors subjecting themselves – and us – to playing Sam’s parents? It’s like they’re doing some kind of crappy SNL sketch.
Patrick Dempsey appears as Sam’s rival of sorts, and indeed a bad guy. Frankly, one of the most cowardly and inept antagonists ever. For a guy that wants to be on the winning team, he is completely blind when the tide turns in favor of the Autobots and he still tries to help the losing side. Ken Jeong is in this, too. you know, the new cast members here is like a who’s who of people that are ‘hot’ right now. That’s an annoyingly calculated move to simply bring in more money at the expense of quality. Michael Bay’s M.O.
Hey, if you’re going to put John Malkovich in your movie, USE HIM. Nope, not Bay. That would be too logical. And speaking of logic, Leonard Nimoy is the voice of Autobot Sentinel Prime in this. Writer Ehren Kruger has the gall to steal, and bastardize, a Mr. Spock line from Star Trek and use it here. The fact that Nimoy agreed to say it should be an affront to fans everywhere. Ok, I get that maybe they were going for some kind of homage, but that works better when you make a good movie instead of a shitty one.
This film has some of the worst soundtrack I’ve EVER heard in a film. Every song made me want to stick a burning awl into my ears and penetrate my skull. And then there’s the tone of the film. Or should I say “tones”? At parts, Transformers 3 is stupid kids jokes, then at parts full of violent action like seeing people explode and disintegrate, and then parts softcore porn. Who is this movie for? It’s like a circus of clowns with guts-covered hatchets. Actually, I’d rather watch that movie.
Ok, lets’ talk about a couple gaping plot holes. The Decepticons find these pylons, and when you activate them, you can teleport things. So they teleport more Decepticons from the moon directly to Earth. But earlier they establish you need the Matrix of Leadership to revive a transformer. Apparently not these Decepticons. Oh, and they want to teleport their whole planet, Cybertron, right next to Earth to enslave humanity. Ok, but if a planet suddenly appears next to another in space, their magnetic fields will send each planet into each other destroying everything. Good plan! Stupid Decepticons. You’d think they’d know all this.
The CG action? Ok, there is a little bright spot here, albeit a tainted one. Some of the battle sequences are pretty cool, in the way you envisioned them in your head while watching the original cartoon. “Wouldn’t it be cool if….?” And you get to see some of that here. Unfortunately, other than a few scenes, the rest of the action is just blur and shrapnel. Can’t really make out some of it. On top of that, it’s all like watching someone else play a video game. And to drive that point home, Bay even inserted a POV shot of the barrel of a gun shooting Decepticons. An ACTUAL first-person shooter POV shot. Wow. Thanks, idiot.
Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon has every single cheesy cliche’ in it. Everything I hate about big budget summer movies is here. It truly embodies everything that is wrong with the Hollywood machine. It even ends with Michael Bay’s signature melodramatic slow-mo shots at the end with people hugging, cheering, kissing to an insipid rock power ballad. Basically the same ending as the movie Pearl Harbor, just different actors. Urk – oh, sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little.
This movie sucks. No surprise. One kittenhand, only for the few cool action sequences. Maybe Michael Bay should just be an effects director and stay away from humans. And don’t let Ehren Kruger write anymore because he helped write the second one and this is even worse, if you can believe that. And if you don’t think it’s all his fault, then make note that he is the only writer listed for this one.
~ Neil T. Weakley, your average movie-goer, never getting that 2 hours and 37 minutes back.