Whenever I watch the Lord of the Rings movies, I need to forget that I’ve ever read the books. Because when I can forget; they are great action movies with hitting and sploding. When I can’t, all I can think is, “Yeah, this is just a fancy-looking Willow.”
Why in the fuck are you reading this review instead of sitting in the theater watching Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is beyond me.
This month’s film from the vault is a genuine turkey that was organically raised in the mid 60’s and is still as fresh today as it was on it’s opening weekend. It didn’t stick around long, but, thanks to television, it’s popped up from time to time over the years and it comes with all the fixing’s to satiate even a diehard vegetarian. It’s so bad it’s not funny, it’s hysterical.
I saw a blurb about Kevin Spacey in this movie not too long ago that said something to the effect of “The kind of performance that made you love him in American Beauty.” That’s all fine and good, but that kind of fawning just seems like desperation to me. Like people should see this movie because it’s Kevin Spacey acting like he did in a movie you love.
The movie opens in 1985, with Flynn telling his 12-year-old son all about The Grid, Tron and Clu, then leaving for work and his fateful date with the Master Control Program. Just before he leaves, he tells Sam they’ll always be partners, foreshadowing the events to come and ensuring a scene where the now-grown Sam has to remind his father that he said they would always be partners. Sigh.
Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman star as a couple of incredibly uninteresting 14th Century knights that must help transport a suspected witch to some monastery where they will supposedly thwart what they think is her ongoing scheme called The Black Plague.
This is the kind of movie I hate to review. Why? Because it was great. Just great. What are you supposed to review? Blah, blah, blah, it was good in that way and this. Boring. Not the movie, the movie was great. Unboring. The review, that’s the challenge here.
The Fighter is a story of a really cute guy and his crackhead brother. Tale as old as time.
Elvis Presley was reportedly offered the role of LaBoeuf and–who knows–the film could very well have redefined Elvis as an actor. I think he’d have been great in the role. It only went to Campbell after Elvis’ manager, Colonel Tom Parker, insisted Elvis get top billing over John Wayne. IN A WESTERN! “Yeah, and after you sign that deal, get on the horn and book The Beatles to open for me in Liverpool!”
Oh, Paul Giamatti, I wonder how many films you could save just by being in them. I suspect many. I bet even M. Night Blahbity Blah had that in mind when he put you in Lady in the Water, despite that even your day-saving powers couldn’t help there.