Editor’s Note: Since most of us comedy film nerds are a bit… older, have grown up with the Star Wars franchise and hate seeing it slowly destroyed, we thought we should get a fresh younger perspective on this film. And yet I think both the young and older have come together on this one. It looked like a video game. You might as well spend your money on Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and have the fun of playing yourself. Or one of the games from the Clone Wars, if you wanted to learn something about that era of the Star Wars universe. Or better yet, read one of the excellent published fan-fiction novels. Think about it: the only original actor they could get to do a character voice from I, II, and III was Christopher Lee. Maybe he thought the 3D beard was supposed to be all stiff like that. I’ve personally seen PC games from the 90s with better organic textures. And they couldn’t get John Williams to do the score, either. The Star Wars theme is still there, it’s just surrounded by other music. Whoever thought up the plot for this actually did have some pretty good ideas, but they must’ve run into George Lucas between the brainstorming on the napkin and the finding of the typewriter to write the dialogue. The plot perpetrated by Count Dooku is actually rather clever, and the main quest given to Anakin had the potential to supply some internal tension. Anakin is sent to rescue the son of Jabba the Hutt, the cruel master of the planet Tattooine where he was born as a slave, but who is also an important ally in the Republic’s fight against the Trade Federation. Personal revulsion versus professional duty is always an interesting theme. But any sympathy for the characters is about as mixed as my reaction to a pint-sized Hutt baby. The thing had cute eyes but it dripped slime. Consider the most biting line of the most epic lightsaber duel. Obi-Wan is dueling Ventress, an evil Jedi lady who’s doing the dirty work in the plot to frame Anakin. As the two are leaping back and forth, swinging and blocking and swooshing with that lightsaber sound, all she can think of to say is “The truth will die with you.” Real original there. Also, not very accurate, considering that many other people know of the plot by now. But perhaps the line is emblematic of Star Wars as a whole; we might as well state the obvious that the truth is dying. Still, as the best line of the whole duel, I think that says something about the quality of the writing. The plot becomes most engaging when you have an individual character or two on an individual mission, just like you would in a video game. Ever thought that tiny plastic spaceships and eighties technology can look more epic than the latest CG art? This movie will force you to. The advancing phalanxes of battle droids, the explosions of starships, the stern faces of Yoda and Palpatine, and the vastness of worlds seem boring in comparison with one spunky bright orange girl trying to dodge energy blasts while climbing a wall. So, the dialogue is trite and spoils any good plot elements that were there originally. The animation is poor-quality and is not used to support that expansive, galactic, star-filled feel we all want from Star Wars. Final verdict: don’t bother. You can read the spoilers and learn everything you wanted to know about what happens between II and III. But if they make that wall-climbing scene into a level on a game, give me a call. I’ll use my 15% discount at the game store to buy it. Yep, I’m getting a day job at a game store. I’ll let you know when I don’t need it any more. Sharon Campbell, the Film Nerd Intern P.S. – You might enjoy listening to Cory Burton voicing an Italian-mobster, glow-in-the-dark-paint-tattooed slug. Yep. He’s Jabba’s uncle. At least Lucas hasn’t lost his taste for the weird, if not always wonderful.
