Rampart review

Let’s get one thing straight: Having me review a movie written by James Ellroy is patently ridiculous. Whether or not what I have to say is favorable, the fact that I’ve been placed in position to pass judgment on anything the man does is silly. Ellroy is a legendary crime writer, while my only experience with crime writing is that every time I’m paid for writing, it’s probably a crime. That said, as a duly deputized “CFN” movie reviewer, I would be remiss if I ducked out of an assignment … not to mention the inevitable palm striking if I were to drop the ball here. Onward!

I’m Watching the Watchmen

  I’m writing this just a few hours before I dive into the madness that is “Watchmen”. I’m lucky to be hitting the midnight show tonight; I had completely forgotten to get tickets on the day they were released, then signed on to the website of my favorite theater two days later to find nine…

Tropic Thunder Review

  Let’s get this on the table early: I am not a Ben Stiller guy. I haven’t been for a while, probably since “The Royal Tenenbaums”, although I also liked “Starsky & Hutch”. I realize you don’t care, but in the interest of full disclosure I felt it best to mention it. I bailed on…

The Wrestler Review

“The Wrestler” is a film about a man desperately clinging to the time his life was good; when it meant something. It’s about a man hoping to rediscover relevance and striving to recapture glory days long since past. In that sense this film could be about any profession; seriously, how many friends do you know…

The International Review

I think we all know that ours are troubled times. Money is tight for everyone, particularly for those of us who write for free on the Internet. I’m not sure how Jackie and Neil handle their business, but I can tell you that my landlord did not appreciate receiving my “Taken” review in lieu of…

Taken Review

About six weeks ago I was sitting in a theatre, waiting patiently for “Punisher: War Zone” to begin…and of course by “waiting patiently” I mean “rocking back and forth in my seat, rubbing the skull on my shirt while gleefully anticipating the carnage to come”. The lights went down, the trailers kicked in, and I…

The Summer of Hate Part II

  This is continued from Part I. 3. People in a theater behave like complete and total dicks Three fifteen to eighteen-year-olds whispering for ninety minutes that Wolverine is a fag. Five children in their early twenties talking and texting during “Terminator: Salvation” as if they were in the goddamn food court. A posse of…

The Summer of Hate Part I

    Hi, I’m Mike S., and I’m a blockbusterholic. I’ve been a blockbusterholic since I was a much younger man. It didn’t matter what was playing; once the calendar changed and the weather warmed up you knew where to find me: back row of the theater, popcorn in hand, waiting to escape from the…

Seeing the Light

Aahh, film-the French called it “Radio For The Eyes.” We in America call it “A Diversion From The Fact That Gas Now Costs More Than A Faberge Egg Filled With Movie Popcorn.” And with a diversion this important, venue is a huge consideration. Who among you hasn’t regretted purchasing a ticket for a movie at…

Religulous Review

    The title of the film “Religulous” is a made-up word, a hybrid of “religion” and “ridiculous.” Essentially, “Religulous” is ridiculous without the “dick” – although with Bill Maher involved, there’s still plenty of dick to go around. The comedian/HBO host/novelist/squire of incredibly hot minority women adds documentarian to his list of titles with…